With the NFL preseason underway and the regular season fast approaching, lets take a look at what WWE Superstar would describe each one of the 32 NFL teams.
1. New England Patriots: John Cena
The New England Patriots are perenial contenders every year. Tom Brady is arguably at the top of his game, beautiful wife and many people among the nation hate him because he is a fierce competitor who really does no wrong. Sounds very similar to the WWE’s resident face of the company. John Cena also is arguably at the top of his game, a smoke show of a girlfriend and hated by most because he is a fierce competitor who seemingly does no wrong. If he’s not holding the company’s highest honor as WWE World Heavyweight Champion, he always seems to be a contender for it. Much like New England, many people hate on other peoples success and try to bring them down in hopes of building themselves up. In closing, LETS GO PATRIOTS…CENA SUCKS!
2. The Denver Broncos: Randy Orton
The Denver Broncos had a hell of a year last year, as did the WWE’s resident Viper. The Broncos have all the physical tools to go back to the Superbowl again this year. With Manning behind center, you never know when he will hit an RKO out of nowhere. The additions of Aquib Talib, DeMarcus Ware and TJ Ward will be looking to lay down some Authority on the opposing teams offenses. Randy Orton knows what it’s like to get to the dance and leave empty handed. Even with the Authorty backing him up he’s still been on a bit of a decline as of late. While Manning was able to set records last year, this year could be a different story. Maybe Seattle let the league in on a formula to stop the high powered Bronco offense or maybe the reinforced focus on defensive PI and holding will help the Broncos. Having the refs in your pocket sounds a lot like something Orton can approve of. Manning has the refs, and Orton has Triple H.
3. NY Jets: Paul Heyman
Rex Ryan sure likes to talk a lot for someone on the sidelines. Seems to me like he may have taken a few notes from the WWE’s favorite mouthpiece, one MR. PAUL HEYMAN. The problem with the Jets as of late is they’ve been all talk. No action. Geno Smith now has a year under his belt at the NFL level and he’s looking to show that he’s the true number 1 in NY. Rex however isn’t known for his offensive coaching schemes. Rex likes to talk a big game while hiding behind a mean defense. Heyman likes to talk big also because he knows BROCCKKK LESSSNARRR has his back. The AFC East is possibly the weakest division in the league which can help the JETS young offense prepare for the tougher teams in the other conferences. With the Patriots however in their division, you can look for the JETS to finish second but just know they won’t stop talking until the clock hits zero in week 17.
4. Cleveland Browns: Damien Sandow
The Browns and Damien Sandow are both always good for a laugh. However, the wins don’t always come as easy. Johnny Manziel has taken the world by storm with all of his recent antics since being drafted. Sandow has also got people talking with his recent string of questionable character choices. Much like the Browns on the field, Sandow doesn’t pose much of a threat to his opponents as of late. Hopefully both the Browns and Sandow can turn their streaks around.
5. Buffalo Bills: Rybaxel
The Buffalo Bills have quietly started to put together a mean defense. Not much offensively even with their recent first round pick but their defense isn’t anything to laugh at. The Bills D will be the backbone of the team. They have that in your face, punch you in the mouth style but much like Rybaxel, they won’t string together enough wins to pose a threat.
6. San Diego Chargers: Rob Van Dam
The San Diego Chargers are a talented team with a tough schedule this season. Much like Rob Van Dam, the Chargers are full of offense. Philip Rivers had a very strong season last year even though skeptics said his career was on the decline. RVD is getting up there in age but he can still put on a 5 star match with the best of them. Whether RVD is in a title match or not he is always a tough out, same can be said for the 2014 Chargers.
7. San Francisco 49ers: Roman Reigns
Everything about the San Fransico 49ers screams “in your face.” Whether they are on offense or ripping people’s heads off on defense, the Niners won’t back down from anybody. Sounds a lot like one Mr. Roman Reigns. Much like these Niners though, Reigns is yet to capture the ultimate prize. He’s been in a few title matches since his split from the Shield but he is yet to get the job done. The Niners are in the same boat…could this be their year?
8. Seattle Seahawks: Daniel Bryan
The Seattle Seahawks and Daniel Bryan have more than just Washington being their home state in common. They both have the proverbial 12th man behind them. The Legion of Boom and the Yes man both brought home their respective championships last year and with the offseason to recuperate, when they both hit the field again they could repeat. Bryan is on IR right now with his recent surgeries but when he does make his return, you have to feel he’s a favorite to take the title home again.
9. Baltimore Ravens: Bray Wyatt
As the Baltimore Ravens newest Wide Out was quoted as saying “being a Raven means eating your lunch and leaving you nothing.” Bray Wyatt has that same philosophy. He will take everything you have and leave you with nothing. The Ravens defense is a hard hitting, no nonsense, punch you in the throat scheme. Sounds a lot like when Bray hits the ring. Nothing pretty on either side of the ball, just straight to the point. When anyone from the Ravens D is in front of a microphone, they immediately grab your attention. Wyatt has the same vibe.
10. NY Giants: Brock Lesnar
The Giants are not always in contention but when they are, they usually bring home the Lombardi Trophy. The Giants also broke the New England Patriots undefeated streak, which brings us to Brock Lesnar. Lesnar isn’t always around but when he is, he’s making an immediate impact. Lesnar also knows a thing or two about conquering a streak.When everything is on the line, you don’t want to see Brock or the Giants on the opposing side.
11. Pittsburgh Steelers: Sheamus
The Steelers aren’t pretty. The try to run the ball down your throat on offense and stuff the same ball down your throat on D. Sheamus isn’t pretty either but his high impact offense doesn’t need to be. The Steelers are a team you wouldn’t want to see in the playoffs and Sheamus is someone you wouldn’t want to see across the ring from you when the bell rings.
12. Chicago Bears: Big E
Jay Cutler seems to have all the tools to be in the top echelon of Quaterbacks in the NFL but he can’t seem to put it all together. Big E is one of the most athletic big men the WWE has today but he’s also seemingly having trouble finding his spot on the roster. The Bears and BIG E could both benefit from new schemes. Big E could use the help of other wrestlers in a stable of some kind (don’t drop the new nation stable WWE!) to help hide some of his flaws. The Bears also need to have a full team effort to make an impact this year. They don’t have a top notch D or Offense but if both sides play their best, then the Bears have a shot at a season to remember.
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Adam Rose
The Buccaneers were a great team once, they had a dominate defense and a mediocre offense. Then a gimmick change took place and they haven’t been able to find a way to right the ship. Adam Rose is in this same conundrum. The Bucs however seem to have turned the corner. Their D is top notch and their offense will be fun to watch. Adam Rose could turn things around if they were to give him a chance to show off his in ring ability. Both the Bucs coaches and the WWE brass needs to take the chains off these two and let them shine.
14. Tennessee Titans: Kofi Kingston
The Titans haven’t made the playoffs since 2008. Like Kofi, they are in a bit of a funk but they have the repertoire to pull themselves out. Kofi has great in ring ability and the Titans have a weak ass division. I’m hoping this year will be a breakout year for Jake Locker, because if it’s not then the Titans will be dancing on the outside of the ring trying not to let their feet touch…then boom. They’ll be knocked out. A few flashes here and there but overall neither Kofi or the Titans will go all the way this year.
15. Miami Dolphins: Fandango
Pastel colors and a few glimmering moments of what could be. Both the Dolphins and Fandango have a similar year ahead of them. Chalk it up to the division they play in or the talent in ones way but either way, a few dance moves and then the curtain will close.
16. Oakland Raiders: Zack Ryder
Does this one really need an explanation?
17. New Orleans Saints: Y2J Chris Jericho
Y2J and the Saints both are playoff tested. Either one if everything went right could hoist their respective trophies. Drew Brees is a smaller QB that makes up for it with his quick thinking in dissecting the defense. His precision passing is what keeps him in the upper tier of NFL QB’s but the team around him other than Jimmy Graham, may let him down. Jericho is also “small” for a WWE superstar but his quick wit on the mic and in ring prowess keeps him to this day a threat for gold. (When he’s not being a rockstar of course.)
18. Houston Texans: Goldust and Stardust
All the talent in the world. Andre Johnson, Jadeveon Clowney, JJ Watt and more are each beasts at their position. Something just doesn’t click with the Texans though. They have trouble at times it seems to keep their collective heads in the game. Goldust and Stardust are both oozing with talent but their heads are exactly in the gam…uhh Earth?
19. Dallas Cowboys: Dolph Ziggler
America’s team. America’s favorite underdog. Both are exciting in their respective sports. Both seem to be prime for injuries as well. Dolph is the total package when it comes to a WWE superstar. For whatever reason things just don’t seem to work out. Cowboys QB Tony Romo, also has all the tools. He is often unjustly blamed for his teams troubles however. Romo ranks 6th among active QB’s for the most fourth quarter comebacks. Fun fact is he’s played fewer games than the 5 Qb’s ahead of him. In games in December and January, Romo has 50 touchdowns to 29 interceptions. He may be to blame for some of his teams faults but he puts his teams in position to win. Ziggler always puts himself in position for a push with his above average story-telling in the ring.
20. Philadelphia Eagles: Seth Rollins
The Eagles are banking on their high powered offense to take them into the playoffs this year. Seth Rollins has money in the bank because of his high powered offense. Chip Kelley is adding a breath of fresh air to a copy-cat league. Rollins with his former Shield members are doing the same thing. I don’t see the Eagles or Rollins cashing in for the big one this year however. Too many other talented teams and talents ahead of them at this point. I would love to see Rollins get the opportunity however it may not be in the cards just yet.
21. Washington Redskins: WWE NETWORK
The Redskins name is drawing the ire of some people who feel it comes across as racist. The WWE Network is drawing the ire from WWE fans for constantly being shoved down our throats anytime you tune in to a WWE program.
22. Green Bay Packers: Cesaro
Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers have the tools to put together a championship run. However, at this time they aren’t in the position to pose too much of a threat to the power houses of the NFC. Much like Cesaro, the Packers have too many other talents in their way. Cesaro is a phenomenal talent but WWE seems hesitant to pull the trigger on him and go with other talents who offer something different. Aaron Rodgers is at the top of his game on the offensive side of the ball. He can single handedly hold his team above water. Cesaro in the same vein can make some of the weaker superstars come out of a match looking like solid gold.
23. Minnesota Vikings: Luke Harper
Adrian Peterson is probably the most talented Running Back we’ve seen since Barry Sanders. Luke Harper much like Peterson is the shinging light on a team that lacks a glow. Erick Rowan and everyone on the Vikings need to thank Peterson and Harper. Without them, their would be an even bigger mountain to climb.
24. Indianapolis Colts: Dean Ambrose
Up and coming. That describes the Colts and Dean Ambrose. The Colts Andrew Luck is one of the more promising young QB’s in the NFL. He’s got a coach who is committed to the run game which will give Luck time to really get into rhythm. With the defenses pinching to stop the run, Luck will be able to pick secondaries apart. Kinda like how Rollins will be focused on cashing in his “Money in the Bank” and he’ll never see Ambrose coming.
25. Detroit Lions: The Uso’s
Mathew Stafford and Calvin Johnson are the tag team champions of the Lions offense. The Uso’s rely heavily on their teamwork to keep the titles securily around their waists. Granted, Michael Cole could throw passes to Megatron and he’d more than likely nab them and take them to the house but Stafford is somewhat underrated. This will be his breakout year. He’s tough as nails and has wow’ed some reporters this pre-season.
26. Jacksonville Jaguars: Heath Slater
Justin Blackmon is the one man rock band of the Jags. Arrested for alleged marijuana possession in the off-season, Blackmon is one of the most talented receivers in the NFL but has problems keeping his head on straight. Heath Slater is always good for a win here and there but is mostly known for being a talent enhancer. So lets be nice to the Jags and call them the NFL’s talent enhancers.
27. St. Louis Rams: The Miz
Kenny Britt and Tavon Austin are going to help Sam Bradford turn the Rams around this year. Michael Sam has a chance to make the team and with all the publicity he has, this will be a most must see moment for his supporters. The Miz, who recently lost his IC strap to Dolph Ziggler, will have a year a lot like the Rams. Lots of media attention, little in ring results.
28. Arizona Cardinals: Big Show
The Big Show and Larry Fitzgerald are both probably neck and neck for the nicest people in their sports. Fitzgerald is a giant in the game. One of the most talented receivers in the game, if only he played with a QB who could feed him the ball. The Big Show is also scary agile for someone his size but also needs someone in the ring with him that he meshes with. Both supreme talents who need a dance partner to help them out. Big Show and the Cards will both have decent years but don’t expect championships for either.
29. Carolina Panthers: Kane
The Panthers reached the SuperBowl in 2003 and couldn’t bring home the Lombardi. They haven’t been back to the big dance since. Much like Kane, they have talent and a punishing defense but neither will make a big splash this year. The NFC is a tough division with the Seahawks, 49ers and Packers, so the Panthers may be on the outside looking in yet again. Kane nowadays is basically a henchman for the Authority. Trying to punish any who oppose Triple H and Stephanie. The Panthers may be in the same boat this year, with their defense they will be a tough matchup for the more stacked teams but like Kane, they may end up more in the Loss column than they would like.
30. Kansas City Chiefs: Zeb Colter
Zeb Colter and Andy Reid. Mustaches for days and buffet killers. Zeb makes a lot of noise but won’t win any titles this year. The Chiefs know that feeling.
31. Atlanta Falcons: Bo Dallas
Every year the Falcons seem to always put very talented teams on the field. They have no problems getting through the regular season but can’t seem to make much headway in the playoffs. Fear not Falcons…all you have to do is BOLIEVE! One of these seasons everything will come together for Matt Ryan and the Falcons, like Bo, they just need a little seasoning.
32. Cincinnati Bengals: R-Truth
The Bengals have too much talent to not win a SuperBowl. R-Truth has too much talent to not win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Yet, neither one of these will happen and Truth and the Bengals will remain mid-carders. Redesigned NFL logos created by Max O’Brien
